Apologia
by Dolen Feredir
Summary: A tag for 'Simon Said.' What might have been going through Sam's mind in the final scene?


Disclaimer: Still not mine (alas) and I'm not making any money from this

Rated: T just to be safe

Spoilers: Episode 1.14 (Nightmare) and Episode 2.05 (Simon Said)

Author's Note: This is a little darker than I originally intended. I wanted to explore the reasons behind Sam's confession in Simon Said and the possibility that he had some ulterior motive for telling his secret to a stranger. I know we're supposed to like Ellen and Jo, but in my mind they haven't done anything to earn the trust of our boys so far.

Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about this one so I'm a little nervous posting it, but here it is.

D.F.

* * *

**Apologia**

Dean was angry.

Sam could tell without his brother needing to say a word. Of course, Dean had reason to be pissed. The younger Winchester cast a guilty glance at the other man. He wasn't going to apologize for what he did. Not yet, anyway.

The silence had stretched for the past two hours. It had begun as soon as the pair left the Roadhouse and driven off into the night. The last words Dean had uttered had been to refuse Ellen's offer of a drink and to tell Sam they were leaving . . . _now_.

Sam knew better than to argue with that tone. He had climbed into the car and settled in for a very long drive to wherever it was Dean was heading. That was something he had noticed about Dean - it didn't matter where they were going as long as they were going _somewhere_.

Still, it was pretty late and neither brother had slept much in the past couple days. From personal experience, Sam knew that his sibling could drive for what seemed like eternity without stopping. If he wanted to get Dean to stop driving and rest, Sam was going to have to say something.

Maybe he _should_ apologize . . .

Sam shoved the thought aside. He couldn't. Yes, he was sorry for the effect his confession was having on Dean, but he couldn't apologize for the reasons.

Telling Ellen the truth about his abilities and connection to the demon had been a gamble. Dean didn't trust the older woman or her daughter. Truth be told, Sam didn't trust them either. After all, they worked at a dingy bar where the dregs of the hunter world went to drink and talk shop. Sam suspected the women, like the hunters, didn't see the shades of grey in the world - only black and white. Sure, they probably thought they were doing their bit to save the world, but the fact remained that they were strangers and they were in a position to make life very difficult for the two surviving Winchesters.

If Ellen's mistrustful glances were anything to go by, trouble would definitely be coming.

Sam hadn't blurted out the deep, dark family secret for no reason, though. He was not that careless.

Dean thought he was careless. The elder Winchester had tried to stop him; tried to protect him again. Sam hadn't listened.

Now Dean was furious, though Sam knew that even though he deserved it, the anger wasn't directed at him. If Dean had been mad at Sam, he would have yelled. Maybe he would even have thrown a punch or two. He wouldn't have been silent. No, Dean's anger was focussed solely on one person right now, and that person was Ellen for putting them in this situation to begin with. Her attempts to inject herself into their lives had not been well-received. They didn't even _know_ her. In Dean's mind, Ellen had no right to demand answers and deference - the brothers owed her nothing.

It was thoughts of Ellen that made Dean's jaw clench. Worry about the power she now held over them provoked his silence.

Again, Sam felt the tugs of guilt. Dean only wanted to keep him safe. The older brother in him clung to the belief that, as long as only the two of them knew the truth, things would be okay. Dean had reminded Sam of the dangers should the secret of his abilities be revealed to the other hunters. Gordon Walker certainly would not think twice before killing a demon-connected, psychic freak. There were no doubt a dozen more with the same mind set.

Dean was right. Telling Ellen was stupid. Telling Ellen was dangerous. Telling Ellen meant that Sam might become a target.

And that was why Sam told her.

The demon was coming for him. Despite what Dean said, Sam knew there was nothing his brother could do to stop it. Sam wasn't sure he would be able to stop _himself_. The demon was coming; it was going to get to him somehow, and it was going to turn him into a killer.

Max had killed his father and uncle. Webber, or Anson, or whoever the hell he was, had killed his mother. Andy had been forced to kill his twin brother. It wasn't like Sam hadn't made the connection.

Each of the 'special' kids had murdered family members and it terrified Sam. His turn was coming and his only family was Dean. He didn't need a leap in logic to know who he was meant to kill.

So Sam had told Ellen. He spilled the beans on his connection to the demon, his powers, the existence of kids like him. He told her everything, _knowing_ he couldn't fully trust her. Sam knew full well that she could tell the other hunters and they would come for him.

It wasn't that he doubted Dean. Sam knew Dean had killed for him; he knew Dean would die for him in an instant. His brother would do whatever was required to keep Sam safe.

That was the problem.

Dean would kill anyone or anything that came after his little brother. He would risk his own life to protect Sam, even when Sam himself was beyond saving.

But even Dean couldn't stop the demon from coming.

When the darkness finally came for Sam - when he turned his powers on his brother - would Dean be able to stop him? Would Dean pull the trigger and kill Sam to save himself and others, or would he do what he had always done and protect Sam even at the cost of his own life?

Sam couldn't take the chance. He wouldn't risk Dean's life - he _couldn't_.

Ellen would tell the other hunters; of that Sam was almost certain. When she did, they would come for him and Sam would make certain they found him alone. They would do what Dean could never do.

They would make sure Sam was stopped.

And for that, Sam couldn't apologize.

_Not yet_.


End file.
